The Language or the kiss?

I've been trawling through old music. There's a reason I love listening to lyrics; a good song - like a good poem or a good novel - can explain parts of you to yourself. It can perfectly articulate thoughts that have been burning away inside - or even thoughts you barely registered were there - but that make a difference to you all the same.

For a while now I have been working through my fears about my choice of career and the lifestyle that comes with it. I've been mentally balancing the rewards it brings me against the sacrifices it asks; I love my friends and family - but I choose that most of their life goes on without me; I love what I do and that it has meaning not just for me, but for others as well- but it may very well mean that I end up flying solo in this life. Whatever my choice - there are things that mean the world to me on both sides of the coin and therefore also, things I always miss. Sometimes the choice feels unforgiving. Of course sometimes - having choice feels great.

With these thoughts in mind it was great tonight to find this old Indigo Girls song: The Language or the kiss.

And who knows what the "right" choice ever is. Just that it seems to feel right at the time. But all I've sewn is my song. Maybe I was wrong.

But then, that's the chance we choose.

I don't know if it was real or in a dream
Lately waking up I'm not sure where I've been
There was a table set for six and five were there
I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair
And there was steam on the windows from the kitchen
Laughter like a language I once spoke with ease
But I'm made mute by the virtue of decision
And I choose most of your life goes on without me
Oh the fear I've known
That I might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own
All I've sown was a song
But maybe I was wrong

I said to you the one gift which I'd adore
is the package of the next 10 years unfolding
But you told me if I had my way I'd be bored (I'd be bored)
Right then I knew I loved you best for one of your scoldings

When we last talked we were lying on our backs (lying on our backs)
Looking at the sky - looking through the ceiling
I used to lie like that alone out on the driveway
Trying to read the Greek upon the stars
The alphabet of feeling
Oh I knew back then
It was a calling that said if joy- then pain
The sound of the voice these years later
Is still the same

I am alone in a hotel room tonight
I squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears
Begin my studies with this paper and this pencil
And I'm working through the grammar of my fears
Oh mercy what I won't give
To have the things that mean the most not to mean the things I miss
Unforgiving the choice still is
The language or the kiss

vibemail

There are some crazy-good vibes going on in my world today and I'm liking it!

A little piece of wisdom crossed my desk this morning on keeping connected whilst away (can you believe it?!) and I realised of course that all the people I miss are not so very far from me and that I have the power to draw them close any time I like.

The wisdom that was conveniently delivered to my inbox from the cool cats at dailyom.com was all about using common opportunities to remember loved ones and to make ritualistic agreements about sending and recieving loving vibes. Then, all you have to do is tune in to the universe to pick up your "vibemail" as I have dubbed it.

When I was reading the email from dailyom - I started thinking of all the ways I already do this. One gorgeous friend and I pretty much have an agreement that rain on the rooftop is a shared opportunity to sit and remember eachother fondly; even when we're apart. With the wetseason kicking in - she's getting a shitload of lovely vibemail these days! Another of my friends has claimed the waves; we send each other our hearts and minds - troubled or clear - as we stand by the sea and we hope that each recieves the other by osmosis; thoughts arriving at our feet tangled in foam or wetting us through with rain. Some friends have songs on the radio and I occasionally find them between the reggae and gospel; others have flowers and one has every time I pick up my guitar.

I have been focussed on the ache in my chest for home; a longing to spend some quality time reconnecting. As always, the capacity to refocus and ease the ache a little lay within.

So maybe drop me a line sometime to let me know if there's a particular part of your day that reminds me of you that we can share. Til then, tune in for your vibemail my lovely friends - and I'll tune in for yours.

connection

Today, I went on a field trip to introduce a new disaster management program to a community about 40 minutes out of Honiara. And as always, the trip to the field helped to connect me back to the reason I am here.

The Horovou community originated from the weathercoast and moved to the area they currently occupy in 1977 after an earthquake buried their village. It left 5 people dead and one thousand people homeless. They relocated to this area which is now a home away from home. For me, it has connected many dots and answered many questions I've had about why some of the staff and volunteers from our office whose families origininate from this area and the weathercoast are so closely related. For them, our going there to conduct a program on disaster preparedness and risk reduction must seem ironic in the extreme.

We drove my favourite road down the West Coast of Guadalcanal and into the highlands. The Disaster Management Officer commented that he loves village air - the smokey simplicity of it - and I have to agree its nothing at all like my childhood Sundays and yet it reminds me of them.. a time for family, and to soak up information and to be connected to the world around you. A day for taking stock and for understanding; for making connections.

So here I am tonight. Alone again and yet connected to the work I'm doing if nothing else. And right now that seems as important as anything. And a great experience to have been part of. So maybe I didn't get to have Brunch with my tribe - but I got to spend the afternoon with a fully formed tribe looking to enahance their experience of this life. Roll on field trips - I surrender to your simplicity!!!