A word about me

I think I’d almost always rather try something and be a spectacular failure – than not try it and settle for mediocrity.

Having said that, I need to clarify 2 things so I don’t sound like an uber- hypocrite.

The first is that I actually have nothing against mediocrity; most of us are spectacularly mediocre at most things and it ought to be embraced. If we spend our lives trying to excel at everything – we are bound to overshoot and end up disappointed most of the time. Which is also not to say we shouldn’t shoot for quality experiences – or that we shouldn’t be mindful in our interactions, its just to say that there are bound to be particular ways in which our time and our skills can be best maximized in life rather than be spread thin as an oil slick.

The second thing I need to clarify is that I am a crap goal setter and of course have not attempted to do all the things I have, at various times dreamed for myself. If I had shot for the moon on everything I’d be playing wembley stadium tonight (or at least the Tivoli); I’d be launching a novel or appearing on Parkinson… so yeah its perhaps true that mediocrity is a relative concept and that I have hidden out in my own version of it too.

What I think I’m really talking about is the fact that when I know something IS right for me, and I am scared to death to do it – I would rather follow my instincts and jump than stay living safely on the precipice with the view of my possible future always in sight but just out of reach. To be honest I feel like there are plenty of occasions on which I have gritted my teeth, steeled my jaw , taken a deep breath and plunged head-long into the breach in the name of my own sanity; in the name of what was truly important to me; in the name of walking my own path. It hasn’t always been a comfortable experience. Sometimes its been scary as hell. Sometimes it has been against the will, advice and support of those closest to me – who I would never want to hurt or harm. But it has always been the right thing to do.

Each of us has one thousand lives inside us; one thousand possible paths to tread. Sometimes when we think we are taking a fork of the road that will take us far away from the place we are currently standing, we find in fact that it leads us right back to where we are, because that’s where we are meant to be.

Sometimes, it feels like the most selfish act in the world to be true to myself – to that invisible magnetic force that pulls me inexorably to the future I am supposed to have. In fact it is the most selfless act I have in my arsenal. I can’t be true to anyone else if I can’t be true to me.

I can’t say I never struggle with decisions and I can’t say I always know that the plunge I am taking is definitively correct. But I can say that I have never regretted living my truth – and that I have regretted decisions made in fear. All I can do is learn from those patterns.

Right now I have some decisions to make and they feel like they will be some of the most definitive of my life. Maybe they won’t. All I know is that I am approaching a fork in the road and not even the various paths are clear yet – but what I can say is that the more I tune into myself, the more I trust I will know the right path when I see it. And I am making a promise to myself that I will walk it – even if its steep and I can’t see round the bend.

The Language or the kiss?

I've been trawling through old music. There's a reason I love listening to lyrics; a good song - like a good poem or a good novel - can explain parts of you to yourself. It can perfectly articulate thoughts that have been burning away inside - or even thoughts you barely registered were there - but that make a difference to you all the same.

For a while now I have been working through my fears about my choice of career and the lifestyle that comes with it. I've been mentally balancing the rewards it brings me against the sacrifices it asks; I love my friends and family - but I choose that most of their life goes on without me; I love what I do and that it has meaning not just for me, but for others as well- but it may very well mean that I end up flying solo in this life. Whatever my choice - there are things that mean the world to me on both sides of the coin and therefore also, things I always miss. Sometimes the choice feels unforgiving. Of course sometimes - having choice feels great.

With these thoughts in mind it was great tonight to find this old Indigo Girls song: The Language or the kiss.

And who knows what the "right" choice ever is. Just that it seems to feel right at the time. But all I've sewn is my song. Maybe I was wrong.

But then, that's the chance we choose.

I don't know if it was real or in a dream
Lately waking up I'm not sure where I've been
There was a table set for six and five were there
I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair
And there was steam on the windows from the kitchen
Laughter like a language I once spoke with ease
But I'm made mute by the virtue of decision
And I choose most of your life goes on without me
Oh the fear I've known
That I might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own
All I've sown was a song
But maybe I was wrong

I said to you the one gift which I'd adore
is the package of the next 10 years unfolding
But you told me if I had my way I'd be bored (I'd be bored)
Right then I knew I loved you best for one of your scoldings

When we last talked we were lying on our backs (lying on our backs)
Looking at the sky - looking through the ceiling
I used to lie like that alone out on the driveway
Trying to read the Greek upon the stars
The alphabet of feeling
Oh I knew back then
It was a calling that said if joy- then pain
The sound of the voice these years later
Is still the same

I am alone in a hotel room tonight
I squeeze the sky out but there's not a star appears
Begin my studies with this paper and this pencil
And I'm working through the grammar of my fears
Oh mercy what I won't give
To have the things that mean the most not to mean the things I miss
Unforgiving the choice still is
The language or the kiss