Danger - rocks ahead.

For one reason and another its been a bit of a rough week. And its this week I find myself back here in the Sols without a planned trip home. Right now I do feel cut adrift and I have been wondering if that feels good or bad; right or wrong. It turns out, it feels dangerous. The kind of dangerous I've been talking to other aid workers about recently. The kind of dangerous that leads you to think it might be best to take mission after mission and just remain a visitor in your own parallel universe back home.

The issue of course is how I got to this point. A broken heart? Maybe. But there's lots of ways to break a heart. Maybe its just a layer of thickening on old scar tissue brought on by a little disapointment, a little bit of envy, and a little bit of grief.

As with all of these things, once recognised the issue becomes how to deal with what you've found; how to deal with the danger.

I found the post below on the great blog site "Le Love" and it reminded me that the danger is in the way we deal. It's really about lost romantic love - but it struck me because its a little lighthouse showing me the rocks that lie ahead if I decide the best way to deal is to weigh anchor; set sail.

I'm the queen of making life all about knowing how perfect I am in my world and how imperfect I am in yours. Yes yours, individually, each of you reading this. And so the way forward is to leave that perspective behind; to be the queen of some other, healthier point of view. To understand there'll be perfectly fitting glove of a life somewhere just waiting for my hand. Right now though, finding that perspective is proving harder than I would have thought.

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,not the quiet,
the empty seat, the bed now much too big.
the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.
the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.because they must.
the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.it's about how perfect we are in theirs.
the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...well.
half is not whole.
but now we must make it so.