A word about me

I think I’d almost always rather try something and be a spectacular failure – than not try it and settle for mediocrity.

Having said that, I need to clarify 2 things so I don’t sound like an uber- hypocrite.

The first is that I actually have nothing against mediocrity; most of us are spectacularly mediocre at most things and it ought to be embraced. If we spend our lives trying to excel at everything – we are bound to overshoot and end up disappointed most of the time. Which is also not to say we shouldn’t shoot for quality experiences – or that we shouldn’t be mindful in our interactions, its just to say that there are bound to be particular ways in which our time and our skills can be best maximized in life rather than be spread thin as an oil slick.

The second thing I need to clarify is that I am a crap goal setter and of course have not attempted to do all the things I have, at various times dreamed for myself. If I had shot for the moon on everything I’d be playing wembley stadium tonight (or at least the Tivoli); I’d be launching a novel or appearing on Parkinson… so yeah its perhaps true that mediocrity is a relative concept and that I have hidden out in my own version of it too.

What I think I’m really talking about is the fact that when I know something IS right for me, and I am scared to death to do it – I would rather follow my instincts and jump than stay living safely on the precipice with the view of my possible future always in sight but just out of reach. To be honest I feel like there are plenty of occasions on which I have gritted my teeth, steeled my jaw , taken a deep breath and plunged head-long into the breach in the name of my own sanity; in the name of what was truly important to me; in the name of walking my own path. It hasn’t always been a comfortable experience. Sometimes its been scary as hell. Sometimes it has been against the will, advice and support of those closest to me – who I would never want to hurt or harm. But it has always been the right thing to do.

Each of us has one thousand lives inside us; one thousand possible paths to tread. Sometimes when we think we are taking a fork of the road that will take us far away from the place we are currently standing, we find in fact that it leads us right back to where we are, because that’s where we are meant to be.

Sometimes, it feels like the most selfish act in the world to be true to myself – to that invisible magnetic force that pulls me inexorably to the future I am supposed to have. In fact it is the most selfless act I have in my arsenal. I can’t be true to anyone else if I can’t be true to me.

I can’t say I never struggle with decisions and I can’t say I always know that the plunge I am taking is definitively correct. But I can say that I have never regretted living my truth – and that I have regretted decisions made in fear. All I can do is learn from those patterns.

Right now I have some decisions to make and they feel like they will be some of the most definitive of my life. Maybe they won’t. All I know is that I am approaching a fork in the road and not even the various paths are clear yet – but what I can say is that the more I tune into myself, the more I trust I will know the right path when I see it. And I am making a promise to myself that I will walk it – even if its steep and I can’t see round the bend.